Why Do Divorced Men Remarry so Quickly? by Vicki Larson
There were more than a few raised eyebrows when former astronaut Buzz Aldrin started dating a woman just months after his divorce from his wife of 23 years, Lois Driggs Cannon -- his third wife.
For some, the question was, what is he doing with someone 30 years his junior? New girlfriend Michelle Sucillon, a former Borders event-marketing ...exec, is 51 and Aldrin is 81. As a society we tend to be skeptical whenever a couple's ages are so far apart but I'm not sure why; there are certainly enough relationships in which the couples are about the same age that don't last, either. If you're wondering what they could possibly have in common, you might also want to question if that's the only "proper" reason for a couple to be together.
The bigger question, however, is why do people rush into a relationship so soon after leaving one? And while both men and women are guilty of that, more men say "I do" again after divorce. and they're quicker to say it, too, according to the recent Census report "Marital Events of Americans: 2009."
For Emily V. Gordon, a therapist and Huffington Post blogger, it may because men don't have the sort of support women do post-divorce:
"In my experience as a therapist and as a friend, it seems that the majority of the breakup resources available are for women and not men. Women, who tend to be more vocal about their emotional struggles, are the squeaky wheel that gets the grease from friends, from online communities, from books, and from therapeutic approaches. Women are encouraged to go on an emotional journey of self-care after a divorce, while men are expected to need help learning how to cook and parent on their own. When you Google "how men handle divorce," many of the links advise women on what to do if their husbands become violent during the divorce process. Why is there so little focus on how men can heal after a divorce?"
It's a valid question, considering that divorced men have twice the risk of suicide than married men.
Hugo Schwyzer, a professor of history and gender studies at Pasadena City College, has a different take on it. A working woman doesn't necessarily want to "walk right back into the same sort of situation from which she just extricated herself," he said, and the unequal distribution of household chores may have something to do with it. He also wonders about the marriageability of men:
"I'm convinced that one reason that so many divorced women are so reluctant to remarry (and so many women unwilling to marry in the first place) is that frankly, marriage doesn't seem to be a very appealing deal for most women. And one of the reasons why marriage seems unappealing is that the sacrifices of marriage are many, and the benefits increasingly few -- especially considering that an extraordinary number of men may not be worth marrying!"
I won't speculate on how many men "may not be worth marrying" -- I'd guess about as many women who aren't. But, concerning marriage's appeal -- or lack thereof -- studies indicate that women are often a lot happier after divorce, and since more middle-aged women seek divorce then men, Schwyzer may have a point -- why walk back into the same situation indeed?
That may explain why of those age 45 or older, a third of men remarry and just a quarter of women do.
But even the women who would happily walk back into the same situation have a harder time; while having kids makes remarriage challenging for men and women, it's worse for women. More men aren't too keen on marrying a woman with kids and creating an instant family. Since more divorced moms have custody of their children, it can put them out of the dating loop -- but not divorced dads.
But some men, obviously, are OK with blending families or even starting new families, which is surprising considering how many men complain -- rightfully so -- about paying alimony (often for life) and child support, often for children they can barely see. So then why are so many men eager to get hitched again -- especially when second marriages have a 67 percent chance of divorce?
Lucy Cavendish, an author and columnist for the U.K.'s Telegraph wonders if men aren't incurable romantics. Otherwise, she says, how can you explain why a man who has been badly burned in a divorce -- think Paul McCartney, who is about to marry wife No. 3, Nancy Shevell, any day -- would want to risk it all again?
Maybe it's because marriage has its share of benefits for men -- married men are healthier and better off financially than unmarried men.
Or maybe some men just don't want to be alone while many midlife divorced women want to have an "Eat, Pray, Love" experience and rediscover and reinvent themselves, without having to take care of anyone other than themselves. And let's face it; men typically find it a lot easier to attract a wider age range of women -- just like Buzz Aldrin did.
But maybe, as Cavendish notes, men just like to be married.
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The Lonely Heart's Guide to the Holidays
We all know the great things that come with the holidays (time off from work, presents under the tree, bowl games). And we all know the not-so-great things that come with the holidays (crazed shoppers, family fights, fruit cake). But no matter how white our Christmas may be, most of us won't be basking in the love and warmth of friends and family this season. In fact, according to research by Psychology Today, nearly 6 in 10 Americans feel lonely and unfulfilled during the holiday season. Why? One top culprit, obviously enough: Recently ended relationships. That said, if this holiday season finds you alone under the mistletoe, that doesn't mean your mood has to be lower than the box-office numbers for Snakes on a Plane. Boost it by finding a new mate over the break. Here's how.
- Utilize the holiday party. Don't know if the hottie in accounting is flying solo? Go find out. Approach when he or she is with a mutual friend who can introduce you. Be charming and diplomatic, and drink carefully. Need some talking points? Ask the following: "Did you go on any fun vacations this year?" That simple sentence does three things--it easily breaks the ice (they can tell you about theirs, you can tell them about yours); it helps tip you off as to whether they have a mate; and it brings them back to a happy, fun memory--a feeling they now associate with talking to you. And if no magic hookup results? Flirting is still a healthy activity: A Harvard study found that looking at attractive people activates a pleasure center in the brain usually triggered only by food, drugs, and money.
- Locate others who like to give. Experts say that when you're feeling down, it's best to surround yourself with people in some kind of social setting. Given all the group volunteer activities that are available this time of year, you could help yourself and someone else by donating time. And men, consider this: studies have shown that women are attracted to those who give time or money to charities. Although the crowds are crazy, your biggest hot zone (for both the opposite sex and charities) is the mall-84 percent of shopping malls will host charity events this holiday season. Call to find out if they need volunteers. Or check out volunteermatch.org for a listing of charities in your city that are in need of help.
- Score on New Year's Eve. Tons of singles hit the bar and party scene on New Year's. But only 16 percent start January strong by exchanging more than a glance with a stranger. How to be one of the lucky few: Prepare wisely. When dressing, don't wear the standard little black dress or charcoal suit. A Cornell University study found that black or dark gray attire is perceived to be more aggressive than lighter colors. They make you look slick, and that's not always the best impression to give. Instead, set yourself to stun in blue. And the shade matters. According to researchers at the University of Utah, color-sensing structures in our eyes preferentially pick out the hue and forward the info on a more direct path to our brains. Choose a blue that matches the formality of your setting. The more buttoned up, the darker the hue.
- Give your mood a charge. Forty-eight percent of single women say they're very optimistic that they'll enjoy the upcoming holidays. Only 36 percent of single men share the same positive outlook. So remember, guys: Women like strong men, and not sob stories. Give yourself a testosterone boost by purchasing something manly. Like electronics. Dash's new Express In-Car navigation system (dash.net) might not help with your primary search (finding a potential mate), but it will keep you on the right path. It's the first nav system with two-way connectivity, not only using Wi-Fi and cellular networks to pull in traffic and weather conditions, but also communicating with other Dash drivers and adjusting your route accordingly. And ladies: If the guy you meet this season is a little down, don't hold it against him. Or do. Maybe that will help.
